at my church's volunteer appreciation banquet last night, i finally got to hear a musician and worship leader everyone has been raving about for the past month. i was simply blow away by the simplicity and the rawness of three songs presented to us by the hope center of the arts and sam cintron, particularly "i am to you".
it spoke right into my biggest struggle as a christian: my struggles with a lack of faith about the day-to-day things in my life. i'll much quicker believe that god can move a mountain if he wants to, but let it concern the details of my life and i am completely at a loss for what to do to the point where it becomes difficult to relinquish control. i believed my mom would be healed of colon cancer (and she was - 7 years in remission and she never even did chemo), but i am convinced that i am never going to amount to much in my career. i believe god can set free the drug addicts and alcoholics i help serve every week in ministry, but i don't think i'll ever be set free from the hurts of yesterday.
now, don't get me wrong, i love Jesus, and i see and know the changes in my heart and in my life. he has taken me from an angry, violent, people hating person, to someone fully redeemed with such a joy for life and love for people. the lord is my everything, and i'm too concerned with walking with him to ever go back into the world. i know that he can do exceeding and abundant things in my life and in the lives of those around me, yet this is something i know in my head, but i have a hard time registering in my heart.
for me, when the going gets rough, instead of running full speed into his arms, i run in the opposite direction and hide because i convince myself that the hundreds of promises he's made for those who "love him and are called according to his purpose" just aren't true...at least not for me.
my pastor has preached about this twice now: god is simply who he says he is (loving, patient, kind, jealous for me, delights in me, cares for me, aware of my struggles, teaches and chastises me in love, etc) and nothing can change that, except the enemy getting into our heads and slandering god's awesome, famous attributes. a slanderous campaign i sometimes believe. it's also really hard to keep faith and remember these things and how faithful god is when all you want to do is flee and forget that hardships happen, and that answers aren't always going to be as definitive as yes or no, and that god's will is not methodical or linear and most of time is "unfigureoutable" and is probably that way for a reason. or maybe i should just get used to it and glean and learn what god would have me learn in a season of trial and hardship. maybe that would make these painful experiences more worthwhile? the bible even talks about it in romans 5:3-4 "we can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know they help us develop endurance. and endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." even further, the trials experienced by the three Hebrew boys and how the lord was in that fire with them should serve as an encouragement...right?
with a lack of faith in microlevel things also comes a lack of faith in who you are and in what god has called you to be and do. everyone mentions how we're "fearfully and wonderfully made", yet all I can think of sometimes are my insecurities and how overwhelming they are. so by telling me i'm fearfully and wonderfully made, all i can do is roll my eyes and pray that god helps me understand and believe in that because i so desperately need for that to be a recognized truth.
that is why this song means so much to me. it talks about our insecurities candidly, and still offers a hope in the fact that god has set us apart and loves the mess in us and will love the mess out of us. shoot, even the angels are jealous because we - mere mortals, weak, sick, depraved, murderous, full of pride and self-righteousness - are the apple of god's eye.
i can't find the youtube or sound clip anywhere, but here's a verse and the chorus which is literally part of my hearts cry.
"of the many times i've tried to hide my face for the lack of faith in knowing who i am/for disregarding who i am in you/for neglecting who you say i am.
i take no notice of what you say of me/the lies keep coming...but i'll keep fighting the enemy within/i'm more than a conqueror, i'm more than victorious. this is what I am to you:
i am to you a reason worth dying for. i am to you the lyrics to your love song. i am to you what angels would die for/what the angels wouldn't give for a chance to be your bride.."
